I originally wrote this blog post about 7 years ago; however, in the midst of moving my website to another hosting site, many of my blog posts disappeared into oblivion never to be seen again. This is a powerful and true story how first loves can be so powerful and life changing.
In March of 1972, a month before I turned 21, I separated from my ex husband. We were married at 19. I did not marry him for love. I married him to get out of the house, and to prove to myself and others that I was “normal”. Unfortunately, I grew up believing that I was not. I turned 21 a month after we separated. I then went to a night club with a girlfriend of mine called My Place in Encino, California. I have no clue if it is still there, because I moved out of the area when I was 38 years old. This is where I met Ken, my first love. I never knew I could love with such depth and magnitude. I remember the first time that he showed up at my door for a date. His shirt was open halfway down his very hairy chest.. Having led a very sheltered life, I was momentarily shocked. Once I got over the shock, I thought he was the hottest man that I have ever seen. Our relationship ended quite unexpectedly 6 months into our relationship when he called me to tell me that he had met someone else. I was devastated. The last time I had seen him, I had given him a card that said “My Heart Is Yours”. I was too afraid to say “I Love You” out loud.
Shortly after our breakup, I had a series of 6 dreams (each one exactly the same )in which he and I were in a shower together happy, loving each other and laughing. There was a fog around us like we were the only two people in the world. Suddenly, he disappeared from the shower, and people were pointing and laughing at me. I was crying and crying. It took many many many years before he reappeared in the shower with me, and I was in love again. That dream haunted me for a long time. I thought that someday he would be back, but he never returned.
About 5 years after we broke up, when I was 26, his mother called me to apologize. She told me that she couldn’t stop feeling guilty, because she made him break up with me due to me still being married and not yet divorced at the age of 21. She didn’t think I was good enough for him.. She said that he was never the same again. By that time, it was too late, and he had moved on to someone else. It took me many years to get over him, and to get to the point where I didn’t think about him constantly.
At 38, I moved about 1 1/2 away to Orange County, California. At 39, I had a series of 6 dreams in the month of May, all in a matter of 3 weeks, in which he kept trying to give me an address. Because, I could not see the address, he kept coming back in my dreams. His sister and his mother were looking for me as well. By the end of the 6th dream (all were exactly the same), I realized that someone had passed away. Those dreams haunted me to the point where I looked up in information his parents number. The number was disconnected, so I sent a post card to their old address. I received a response saying that he or she had purchased the house from them. The father had died, and the son was sick. We didn’t have the internet in those days, so I had no choice but to let it go. Eventually I stopped thinking about him,, and my life went on until about 24 years later.
At the age of 62 (8 years ago), I was jolted out of my sleep one morning, and my first thought was that I had to find him. It took me all of 2 minutes to discover his 50 year high school reunion page. Someone had minutes before posted that he had passed away. I wrote to the gentleman who had posted it, and he wrote back telling me when he had passed. It was the same time as when I had all those dreams in which he was trying to reach out to me. I was shocked, but it made me realize that he had loved me all along. My soul will be forever touched by his soul.
I have been in love twice since my first love. Both did not work out; however, I am happy to know that I am able to love. For me, being in love, and saying it out loud is like air flowing through my heart. We should never hold back our emotions and feelings. They show us that we are alive. We were born to love, and it is our divine right.
In March of 2021, I went through a Tony Robbins Unleash The Power Within Virtual 4 day Workshop. Immediately after the workshop, I had a dream that he called me on the phone to tell me that he could not see me anymore, because he had met someone else. In the dream, I was looking for him everywhere. Suddenly, as if by magic, my clothes transformed, and I was wearing a bright green outfit that glowed. I was glowing as well. I walked outside, I found some healing stones, and I poured them into my purse. When I woke up, I knew that I had gone through a healing process in which I let him go even more. I am healing, and I cannot wait for what the future holds in store for me. I know within the depths of my soul that when it is time for me to walk through the gates of heaven, he will be standing there and waiting for me.